>Not to excuse the behavior of your drivers, but you should understand that men are having a difficult time with approaching women these days. We feel really inadequate and sort of aimless. The dating world is seriously dangerous right now and to be honest

Are you in the US? Leave it. Seriously, I encourage all men to become expats if they don't already have children in the US that they are trying to raise. Just completely abandon a system and society that is failing to meet your needs. If you feel inadequate, ask yourself A) by whose metrics? and B) why?. Go to the gym, dress better. Have goals in your life (outside of dating) that you aggressively pursue. The US dating scene is increasingly insane, and men don't even realize it because they aren't exposed to kind, helpful, friendly, feminine women that are simply abundant in other cultures (or even in Flyover states, if you look there).

And finally:

> there isn't a lot of guidance from women

The more women you date, the more you will realize that most dating "guidance" from women is absolutely useless. The cognitive dissonance most of them have will blow your mind when you witness it first-hand. And women don't want a man that they have to "guide" anyway. They want to attach themselves to a guy who's got his sh*t together and knows what he wants.

I do live in the US, and I really enjoy my area. There's an abundance of nearby outdoor rock climbing and snowboarding, both of which I'm very skilled at. I have a well-paying tech job, no debt, not much baggage, blue eyes. I think my biggest deterrent for women is that I'm somewhat short and have a slight receding hairline, which is apparently enough to detract from all my positives.

I've lived in the Midwest before and it's worse there, partly because I couldn't practice my sports which kept me out of shape, partly because it was even harder finding like-minded friends, in part because I don't like regular sports. I would definitely consider moving out of country if that opportunity ever came up.

> And women don't want a man that they have to "guide" anyway. They want to attach themselves to a guy who's got his sh*t together and knows what he wants.

This leads into what I consider unrecognized female privilege. From what I can tell, women have a pretty big list of superficial expectations from their partners, and are really quick to dismiss those who don't fall into place. They also gave an abundance of interested suitors who they can sort through until they find they one they way. Me on the other hand, I'm lucky to find someone interested in me who even passes my most basic tests.

Equality in dating doesn't exist and it's highly skewed in favor of women.

There's not really a humble way to say this. As an attractive man who has his shit together and makes good money, I have zero issues with dating and if anything I feel more in control of the situation than the women I meet.

The issue is likely that you're not very attractive or you're setting your standards too high for the women you pursue.

I'm convinced it's mostly my height and lack of friends. I'm not particularly handsome but I'm definitely not ugly.

As for standards, why should we settle for less than an equal version of ourselves? Same height, education, looks, strength, ability, finances, etc.? In my experience, women almost exclusively "date up".

My unkind but honest assessment given the evidence is you're over rating how attractive you are, both physically and socially. The good news you can fix both a lot. Hit the gym, get jacked, make a lot of friends. Most anyone can do it. Also if your hair sucks just embrace it and shave it off and grow an awesome beard. And accept that any woman taller than you is probably not interested.

I appreciate the help, and you're not wrong about many things. However I think I'm fairly aware of my attractiveness, I'm just sad the country uses shallow metrics for attraction. This country is keen on glorifying narcissism and exclusion rather than humility and inclusion, and that's not now I grew up. I'd rather give my love away than play stupid social games.

I'm athletically fit and don't have any intentions of bulking up. I'm at the climbing gym a few times a week, and climb outdoors a few times a month. Multi-pitch, trad, free-solo, whatever.

The biggest challenge, and the entire reason I started commenting here, is that finding friends is hard. Chatting someone up is easy, but getting a new person to take time out of their schedule to hang out with you is really difficult.

Also, as my username combined with what else I've said might imply, I'm a transgender woman. I really thought dating women as a woman would be harder after transitioned, because most women are straight.

But the confidence benefits were huge enough that my dating life is actually a lot better. I only online dated before then, and after, I can go to (queer) bars and pick up girls and bring them home. I still have the problem that I mentioned in my other reply, that it's really hard to get people to stay (I say "people will go to bed with me, but they won't wake up with me")

I don't think you're transgender (and if you are, that's a separate discussion), but the lesson I draw from this is that you are better off if you maximize the things that naturally interest you rather than trying to be someone you're not. Snowboarding and rock climbing are both great contexts to meet people in. If you are confident and in your element there, you'll probably attract people much better than if you put a lot of effort into trying to be someone you're not.

I also have the somewhat receding hairline which is a lot more unsightly on a woman than a man. I had a couple consults over the last couple weeks about hair transplants, actually. Usually I wear berets. But nobody else is as bothered about it as I am; the hat always comes off when I bring someone home.

If you put a certain energy and intensity into the world, people will see it and not the other more minor things. If you're reserved and unconfident then they'll see more of the rough details. If you feel "aimless" as you've said you are, people won't see the energy you put towards the things you love, they'll see that instead.

Some people are born confident and attractive and never had much reason to question it. Some of us really had to work for it. But the answer wasn't PUA stuff (I spent a decade trying that), but transitioning and really embracing who I am.

One of my complaints is sending what I consider very obvious "I'm not interested" signals - like putting in earbuds - still doesn't stop them. There's something that stops me from just saying "I'm not interested"; for one thing it labels what they're doing as hitting on me and they might argue back with me ("Hey, I'm just giving you a compliment!") and/or get upset. It's usually easier to just nod, mumble, and act much more interested in my phone than them and hope they get the hint.

What do you mean about the dating world being dangerous?

I'm a lesbian anyway, but I think regardless of gender or identity it's tough because people (including myself) are very emotionally guarded. Whether you have trouble finding dates or not, every relationship is at arms length, every plan can be dropped when a better one comes along, you "don't want to catch feelings", etc. Nobody wants to firmly commit to a time for lunch, let alone a relationship (even without monogamy).

That kind of sucks, but in terms of it being dangerous, it usually only feels physically so if you get involved with men. Emotionally though, it does feel dangerous... it sort of feels like a race to the bottom where whoever cares the least wins. I kind of miss really caring about the people I date; but they usually don't care about me, and if I do care about them, often as not that scares them off.

It's certainly a weird dating world these days.

I don't think anyone should accept that someone who's paid to provide a service is entitled to expect their client to be available for dating.

I think a bigger statement here is that nobody is _entitled_ to anything.

We have an informal agreement that you shouldn't hit on service workers because essentially they can't escape the situation gracefully, but that agreement is not bilateral because as a customer you generally do have the freedom to be up front or let it pass.

Obviously there are shades of grey to everything, and by no means am I excusing all behaviour, but the power dynamic is in favour of the client not the worker, and if you're respectful of the individual then I don't see why it should be stigmatic to approach someone.

For context I've had waitresses give me their number, and that was just nice, no expectation that I have to reply and no repercussions if I didn't (as-in, they didn't have a means to berate me for not replying). But, yeah, shades of grey.

Even though I was a professional software engineer at the time, I was also a part time fitness instructor for over a decade. I even taught at women’s only gyms. I was really careful about not approaching anyone in my class - for the most part, women do not want to be approached at the gym - especially a women’s only gym, they go there specifically not to be bothered.

On a slightly tangential note women only gyms are the only place where some observant Muslim women could work out in comfortable clothing.

In the context of a lyft/uber it's a bit different; it would not only be socially awkward but also usually make me late (and possibly even dangerous) to stop the ride halfway through and exit.

It's not the case (thankfully) that I've felt my safety is in danger in these situations... it's just annoying.

Dating is all about risk. If you can't hit on your client, then what about the person at the grocery store? What about at the DMV? What about on the street?

If we eliminate flirting from all the places it's unacceptable, then there wouldn't be any more flirting at all. Considering it's generally the man's responsibility to initiate (cultural standards, not my own, I would love if women took this responsibility), this really just negatively affects men and not women, furthering the inequality in dating.

Some places you should not flirt. I’m not flirting with a client. They are there to conduct business. Like I said above, I was a part time fitnesses instructor and occasional personal trainer. I would never even think about flirting with a client when I was single. I definitely wouldn’t flirt with a subordinate.

I always told myself not to flirt with a coworker (don’t mess where you eat), but I met my now-wife at my job, but by the time we started dating I knew the company was on its last leg so I said what the heck?

It was slightly hard dating in my 20s, it was even harder in my mid 30s after being divorced, I can’t imagine dating at 40+ if I were single again.

Flirting with a co-worker is still very inappropriate though, to some people. It's risky and there are no clear rules, which really sucks for men if they're expected to initiate.

In my case, what was the worse that could happen? They were going to fire me? I was doing presentations for potential buyers of the company. I knew we didn’t have more than two month’s runway left. If I had thought I was risking a long career at the company I might have been more careful.

> Not to excuse the behavior of your drivers, but...