Seriously, you're just exactly like the average 21 year old introvert without a girlfriend. Most of us have been there, and we didn't post about it on internet forums. Geesh.

I vote against all the advice to "go see a psychotherapist". The only psychotherapy you need is to stop making excuses and get the fuck out of your room. Go meet people. Do risky stuff. Look for the bright side of life. Let the bright side of life find you.

You're only 21, for christ's sake. "Look back on my shitty past?" Dude, you don't even have a past yet. Go do stuff and enough with wallowing in your self-pity. You don't know how utterly ridiculous it sounds for a 21-year old studying python at university to be complaining that he's failed at life.

Edit: Another point, about your "shitty past". No one other than you gives a damn about you or it (especially at 21). Realise that and stop using it as some kind of lame excuse to not talk to people.

The whole "snap out of it" attitude is horrible advice and isn't helping anyone in major depression. You have no idea about any other details and problems the person may have and why they feel as if they are not up to their potential. Seeing a therapist can be one of the best things to happen.

What is the basis for your claim that "likely this is exactly the type of advice this kid needs"?

I don't see the connection, and even if there was a clearly articulated connection, it would again be guesswork. Unnecessary again since a professional could simply ask him the right questions and diagnose rather than make the best guess given insufficient evidence to have confidence in the answer.

I'm sure you can guess what I have to say about the right therapy for him. It is not necessary to prescribe a "likely" course of action based on a diagnosis based on scant evidence. Even if your chain of reasoning follows the most likely path from evidence to prescriptive, there is no need to work at low levels of confidence.

I think I am probably right, and if I am not, I am not ashamed at all. I am not a therapist, I am not in a therapists office, I am not pretending ot be a therapist, and I doubt this kid needs a therapist.

I think you overestimate the importance of giving 'accurate' advice as if I, or who i was commenting on, were his therapist. However, we are not, you are not, and the kid is probably just needing to grow a pair, find his voice, and realize he doesn't have to do the things that other people think he should do.

But saying it to some completely anonymous person on the Internet may be more likely to backfire than to help in the manner you intend.

There are also potential cultural differences to keep in mind as well. Brits and Americans may be more likely to respond positively to 'tough love' than Indians or others.

While I appreciate that there's a chance that the OP does have a serious case of depression, I feel that it's a lot more likely that he just needs to get out there and enjoy himself. In either case, there are plenty of replies here catering to that possibility, so I don't think this reply is out of place here.

The best thing my family could have done which is what my Mother did which was to tell me it was time I was paying rent and I had to get a job. Of course, once I had a job she never asked for rent as that was never her intention. And once I had a job, I realised that the thing I was doing was not my future which drove me to get on with stuff I liked. 18 months later I was in charge of the web dev graduates at the agency I worked at.

Now if only elitism caused depression, so people like you would understand just how much it destroys one's life -- its not called a disease for nothing.

Seriously, its people like the above who kept me from becoming a nerd because so many nerds struck me as insensitive, self-absorbed a-holes.

Now go back to Slashdot with the rest of the elitist jerkoffs. Or better yet, I really hope you suffer some horrible tragedy so you get a clue what this guy is going through (or just go listen to Tool's hooker with a penis and remember the guy maynard's talking about is You).

To the OP:

Treat depression like any other scientific problem: There are drugs that will help -- i.e. 5-htp, st. john's wort, for supplements -- for prescription -- Tianeptine (avoid SSRIs like the plague). Moderation and research is The key when using any drugs.

As much as the above guy was a jerkoff in terms of how he said it, he's partially right -- there are 3 different ways of dealing with depression:

1: (recommended) - Do your research, find tools - whether drugs (in moderation), meditiation, exercise, etc. and work (with patience!) on working through your depression.

2: Depend on friends, family

3: Get professional help

Also -- don't worry about being too nice a guy -- i.e. it took me a long time to realize its one of those things that people say in terms of "Do as I say, not as I do" -- I mean, don't become like the guy above, but also don't let people push you around or make you feel worthless -- as in the case of the poster above being a jerk, its probably just insecurity on their part.

One more thing, also partially in reply to the above -- in my experience, 21 and the few years proceeding it were the worst of my life (in my 30s now) -- so it can and will get better, just have patience and work through it.

Its taken me like 5 years to get my confidence slowly back, but it was the most productive 5 years of my life).

Just work through it using reason and patience.

Advising someone lonely to "Go meet some people" is a bit like telling him to be happy. How do you do that? If he has trouble speaking to other people, a good start could be to talk to a psychologist or a priest or anyone whose job is to listen.

I have doubts about your attitude and about your ability to diagnose illness.

All forms of metal illness and disfunction look the same?

C'mon people, this is the kind of post where if you don't have something positive to say, it is best to move on to the next submission. Even if you believe that "tough love" is called for, I doubt it works coming from strangers.

Being an introvert is first and foremost the ability to extract energy from what you're doing rather than needing an audience to survive. It does not mean, however, that you should not talk to people just because you don't feel like talking. Everyone needs at least a couple friends to talk to. By only talking to yourself, it's very easy to get depressed.

So talk to people, get _new_ friends. Find another context where you'll be meeting new people – take up some hobby for example. Programming, wood carving, whatever. Go to and organize some meetups with them.

Forget your past. It's all gone. Every single person on Earth has a shitload of missed opportunities. That's ok. It's never late to start doing what you want. Start reading http://diveintopython.org/ or whatever else you'll find right today. You'll be doing great stuff in no time.

Also, a girlfriend is immensely valuable but she's not a substitute for other friends, remember that.

PS I was once such a terrible introvert that I barely talked at all and was afraid to even call people, so I got a part-time job with a lot of calling and now people are not a problem for me.

Cheer up and good luck! You can do it.

For starters the only way to meet friends is to be outgoing, being an introvert makes this very hard, but if you really want to make friends you are going to have to deal with your issues and talk to people. Believe it or not, it gets better with time and as you grow.

On the other part, grades don't mean a thing, and you really need to stop looking at things as if it was the professors fault. If you really feel that college was lacking in some way you need to either change college or make the best of your situation and study by yourself what you think your your classes are missing. In a way is as much your fault as the professors. That being said, the past is the past and there is no point dwelling on it.

The reality of your situation is very simple actually. You want to become more extroverted to make friends? Build something where you have to interact with people. You want to become better at 'python programming'? Buy a few books and build something in python, and when you're done reread the books and build something in python (this is a recursive sentence!). You feel like college is full of people that don't care about you learning? You're right, because the only person that cares about that is yourself, and unless you're Will Hunting you really need to take responsibility for your life.

Also, go see a psychologist, or a psychiatrist if the situation is worse and will require medication.

  Buy a few books and build something in python, and when you're done reread the books and build something in python (this is a recursive sentence!).

Seriously, though, it might be worth the OP's time to go light on classes, and look for some programming task that's fun. Find something cool. I've been really enjoying node.js, for example, because the community feels like a city full of still-under-construction buildings, with oddly dressed people smiling and lurching around spasmodically, occasionally making something amazing.

If you optimize for fun, you'll learn a lot faster than you would in most regular classes.

I also recommend the book dying of embarrassment, which has many of the things a good psychiatrist will take you through. http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d.html/ref=redir_mdp_mobile/176-...

Argh. An introvert is not defined as somebody who cannot make friends, it's somebody who doesn't feel the need to make many friends.

If you want friends and can't make them, your problem is not introversion (which is not a problem, it is a natural personality state) - it's shyness, or something worse.

To the OP I would say this: it's never too late to turn your life around. Seek help if you can (I do think the level of anxiety you report sounds worse than the average cage of college-itis) but don't think that your past needs to determine your future. Set yourself small achievable goals, and do them. Getting things done is easier for some than others, but it is a habit that anyone healthy can learn.

You're totally right in that the OP is probably not an introvert, but I found it easier to use the term loosely for my advice. Should have known better since I am actually an introvert, but I have boatloads of friends and good social skills.

In any case, great advice. Hope the OP reads it also.

He just needs a good kick in the arse. If anyone knows who this is (hard with an anonymous account, I know), drag him out to some kind of social event and force him to meet some people. That's all the therapy he needs.

In any case I would agree with you that he just needs to get out more if it weren't for the case that 1) he's making a pity case out of his situation 2) he is not only not happy with his current situation, but seems to be entering a phase of self loathing which can easily be an entry phase into depression.

He does need professional help, which type we can't tell because we don't really know the person, but the fact that he not only acknowledges that he is unhappy with his current social situation but also speaks illy about his situation with college and professors and thinks he needs some magic pill to actually improve his life (as if we in HN were in the position to give him any advice that will change his life that easily). It's most probable that he only needs to man up and take control of his life, but maybe his problem is not only the lack of will power to do so, and he needs a therapist to help him from a positive idea of what his life is supposed to be. At the most extreme it might even be a serious problem, perhaps a hormonal imbalance or a mental problem caused because of his environment, in which case a therapist might not even be enough and might need to seek a psychiatrist and start medication.

As you said he might just need a kick in the arse, and what I recommended to him actually gets him on this path, but if that is not enough (which is just as probable as per his situation) he might really need someone to tighten the screws in his head that are loose or maybe even missing. Of course, I'm not saying he's crazy, but something isn't clicking right now and he really needs to get it fixed asap.

2. (I don't know if this is applicable or not but) drinking will not help.

3. More people than you can possibly imagine have been where you are. (The noisy "everything is fine" group has a large subset of liars and people suffering -- like you -- are silent. Skewed sample set).

4. It will not always be thus. The tide goes out, the tide comes in. Wait for the tide to come in. But in the meantime start talking to someone.

Fuck that shit.

You asked for help. You got excellent advice from many people here. Then you came up with excuses for not taking that advice.

Forget "social stigma". Forget the past. Forget your perceived weaknesses. Forget your excuses.

You are obviously smart and want to help yourself, otherwise you wouldn't have posted here to begin with. You need someone qualified to talk to (in person, not here). Do it and recapture your life.

Things are never as bad as they seem when you're at a low point. You will soon discover that once you take action. Do it now. Best wishes.

I think you might have a bit of anxiety. the way you describe any negative thought or memory pulling you back down reminds me a lot of myself. the good news is that there are lots of strategies for dealing with anxiety, and a shrink can help point you in the right direction. hack your brain!

I have visited a psychiatrists with my problems anyway, and it definitely helped. Also, most of my friends know about that and I never had any problems, but that's probably thanks to my choice of friends. If you pick carefully you should have no problem.

Think about it like that -- visiting a shrink might cause your some problems, if it gets known in wrong places, and hopefully you can move elsewhere when that happens -- a harsh solution, definitely painful, but usually not the end of the world.

Your current condition definitely causes problems for you right now. Also, you can't just move away from your current problems.

I don't mean abandon your plans or your dreams. I mean accept that your feelings of worthlessness have a connection with your hopes and desires. The more your identity is attached to the Hypothetical Someday, the less good you're going to feel about the you of Here Now Today.

If you accept that you'll probably never get everything that you want, and that you'll never be the person you wish you were (keep in mind, both of those things are moving targets), you can focus on who are now and where you are going.

Don't run from those dark thoughts and embarrassing memories. Invite them in for tea. Let them speak their piece. And then look them square in the eye and say "I don't need you."

Consciousness is a spotlight on a darkened, complex reality. The more you look for the things you don't like about yourself, the more you'll find. The more you find ways you could be better, the more you'll find ways you don't measure up.

Stop looking. Stop trying. Just be. Move forward and grow at whatever pace comes naturally. However far you go, it's better than sitting alone in the corner, wishing that you magically felt different, preventing yourself from doing anything at all.

"It's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything."

It takes time, but just say, I'm going to go talk to 2 new people today and then go do it. Say, "Hi, How are we doing today?" and then ask them a question about themselves. You'll fail a lot and things won't go as planned, but you'll have a few pleasant surprises too.

Losing a year or two is not a big deal. What is important that this moment completely belongs to you. It is in your control. Dont worry about the past or the people who bother you about the past. Do not worry about the future as well. You shape your own future to a large extent by your actions in this current moment. Friends are important but not the kind that they show in the movies. What is more important than friends are your well wishers. Well wishers come in all shapes and forms and some may not fit your definition of friends.

Start building something. Python is not that hard. Start with Google App Engine and python. That way you can build something quick and show it to the world. Remember this need not be perfect. Shipping something is more important than perfecting it. Start blogging your learnings. They help immensely serving as a reinforcement of concepts. Don't bother about getting friends. Participate in your local techmeets or geeknights or whatever they call it in your area. Find people with similar interests and start hacking on a project. It could be as simple as a todo list or a birthday reminder. Think of all the cool features that you could add to it. Make it and show it proudly. You will find that friends will come searching for you.

Do not try to become extroverted. You cannot do that. Instead, start writing and reading. You have already taken the first step of opening up to the forum. I congratulate you on that. Now all you have to do is to keep writing. Once you gain your confidence back, you will naturally become extroverted.

Good luck and keep hacking. You know we all are.

* Immerse yourself in programming. You have no idea how much satisfaction you can get out of it.

* Read. Read. Read. Start reading things. Read your CS books, non-fiction, etc. Read as much as you can.

* Get active in some sort of Free/Open Source Software community. Pick a project you like and start contributing. Always good to have a goal (I will fix/file/triage x bugs in x months).

* Get into IRC. ##linux-india on Freenode is a great channel full of people who hack stuff (and some other non-hackers too).

* Some people have suggested getting a girlfriend or a social life. Knowing the place you come from, that won't help. Stay away from those people. They will only make you feel worse.

* Set a goal to get into Google Summer of Code next year once you have figured out programming and working on FOSS projects.

* Study just before the exams and make sure you get out of your college as fast as possible (ie, don't drop out). If you have good knowledge of Linux systems, taking over the college labs will help you a lot. Build some sort of a hacker reputation so that people discount your bad grades.

That's pretty much what I did when I was in one of those crappy Indian colleges. Once you have gained enough confidence, things will get better for you.

If you need more help, email me - b.ghose at infinitelybeta.com

[update] And oh, don't worry about jobs; if you can hack, I have a job for you.

EDIT: drop me an email if you're in/around New Delhi. There are a bunch of Python hackers in this city. Email is in my profile.

Just trust me - things will better.

Mail me (you can find my email address easily) if you want to talk to someone about how terrible being a teen hacker in Indian UG colleges can be.

You're 21, relax, join a few clubs, most Indian colleges have a IEEE branch where you might find some people who you can get along with. Find Topcoder (or some other community), I spent endless nights solving problems and learning a lot.

Consider college as any other system which is hackable, if you study the right things and get in the good side of some profs it could be a breeze and loads of fun. Most importantly, make friends I never gave networking any weight and apparently its the one of the most important skills you can have in the real world

Btw, the success with the girls was a nice side effect. While labeled as a geek when I was in school, I have had very nice and very attractive girlfriends since I started to work on my social skills.

So GO OUT and TRY! It is the same as always: you have to do the thing you want to be more successful in!

2. Whenever you get some deep, positive insights, write them down in one place. For example, you may be sitting at the college canteen drinking some tea and wallowing in self-pity when suddenly a person with no legs comes over to beg for a rupee, and you suddenly see that life can be much much worse than a temporary lack of social skills! At least you have your legs. This may seem too trivial to be an "insight", but that is just your depression talking again. It can be a jolting thought that forces you to play the best game you can given the cards you were dealt out.

The age of 21 is like that. "This too shall pass", as some wise man said. All the best! :-)

2)Pick a challenging puzzle/problem to solve during the lifting session.

You'll get over your confidence hangups and make bold strides forward in no time.

From an Indian perspective, here is some advice:

1. Talk to your family perhaps. Just talk about general stuff too: how they are doing and so on. Family includes your siblings, your cousins etc. I have wonderful sisters who make my life bright :)

2. Do you have any friends/acquaintances etc from say high school? Call them up and just ask how they are doing etc.

3. You appear to be a programmer. Go out and attend some tech talks or meetups. They are fun, you meet interesting people and they are all programmers like you so you don't feel out of place. If there are none in your city, try to move to Bangalore.

4. Take up a hobby. It will take your mind off things, will be fun and interesting and it gives you a conversation starter with non-geeks.

This is the time to learn. Nobody is expecting you to invent the next Google at this point in your life. You've got an entire life ahead of you. The fact that you're in an undergraduate program in your country puts you light-years ahead of your fellow citizens. You've already won a lottery that billions in your country will never have a chance to even enter.

The question is not to pick on you, but rather I really just don't understand. Aren't the professors the one's grading you? If they are giving you poor grades, would that not indicate they know many things while you do not?

Onwards, in my opinion, I think you're pretty selfish. And that's ok, we are all more selfish than we realize. We've all been caught up in ourselves to the point we become really self critical.

I hate to sound cheesy by quoting JFK - and I'm not American, but he said it brilliantly:

    "... ask not what your country can do for you — ask what you can do for your country."

Also, maybe to help...: I travelled a lot growing up. I did notice one peculiar thing in my travels. Often I'd move to a new school, and fit right in. From school to school the crowds I'd fit in with would be different. Sometimes I'd fit in with the jocks, other times I fit with the nerds. Very rarely, only one time in fact, I found myself not fitting in with anyone.... and boy that was a doozy. It was like someone reached down from the heavens a decided to destroy my very identity... I was starting to think like you, but then I moved.

So maybe you're actually in one of these black hole pockets where you truly are surrounded by all the wrong people, all the wrong things. I'm not religious, but maybe the heavens are reaching down to you and saying - you're not where you should be.

I went and found one. The key is to get up to bat, then try again (and then again (and then again)). I went through 873 girls before I found the one. I had an Excel spreadsheet and everything. I used match.com, eHarmony, and craigslist to troll for women. Persistence and an ever evolving filter eventually converges.

Professors are not the best people to take advice from unless you want to live in the ivory tower, so I wouldn't look to them for life advice. Instead, look around and figure out what you want out of life. Do you want money? Do you want happiness? Do you want to create things?

Once you figure out what you want, you have to work core for it.

Your grades are not what matter in life. When I interview people, I don't even consider their education background. If I exist, then I'm sure there are others like me in your area.

Your past is your past, and there will always be times that you regret the stupid things you've done. Everyone has regrets, and the key is to look toward the future and work towards it.

Instead of focusing on programming and hoping the school system will work out for you, find a bread and butter job like psd2html where you could offer the skills you have to keep life decent enough to build up more powerful and effective skills.

The key to building relationships is to offer something up. Tell a joke. Help someone move. Generally be a good person to hang around. Be someone you would want to hang out with, and you will find friends everywhere. Humans are social creatures, and I was extremely introverted. However, now, I can go anywhere and strike up a conversation. How did I do this? I tried and then I tried some more. Now, I can hustle where as I used to only be able to hack.

Life is complex, and no sequence of words will ultimately help. It is up you to decide that you want to make things better.

1. This is 100% mental; beating yourself up mentally internally or otherwise only contributes to the problem - try the opposite. 'Meditate' on positive thoughts (or even a single thought) when this crops up. Self-doubt is the mind-killer; never forget that.

2. Everyone is good at a thing or two - for me it's hockey and music (well other than coding of course) - focus on the positives that those bring into your life when you feel your self-worth going south. Make a habit of reminding yourself of the things that few people can do better than you.

3. Start to exercise regularly. It's amazing how effective regularly releasing endorphins into your bloodstream is. Plus, it helps boost your self-confidence.

4. When you go out for lunch, groceries, errands - whatever- make a habit of striking up a conversation with a total stranger or a group of strangers (yes, it is scary actually). I do this when I'm at lunch alone, often talking with someone, or a group of people sitting near me. No your waiter/waitress or bartender does not count. I find that it forces me out of my 'shell' and I usually learn something interesting as well (people are pretty interesting if you give them a chance it turns out). BTW, when I chat people up at lunch or in the line at the bank, grocer store, wherever I never consider who they are or their age... aka, I'm not just doing this with women I may be interested in, or just guys around my age... I'll strike up a conversation with an older women, teens, a family, whomever. It's a great way to break out of your natural introversion shell and it's interesting to see what 'normal folk' think (cause let's face it - Hackers are not normal folk at all).

5. The more comfortable you are with yourself the more comfortable you will be around others; the opposite is also true.

6. Do not seek professional help - you are normal for your age. If anything you might want to look into something like David DeAngelo's books/vids, which I've recommended to several friends who recently divorced (which your situation is oddly similar too I might add - it's a very isolating period for most men); DeAngelo 'preaches' a lot about developing a stronger mental/inner 'game', honing your social skills and above all being confident (and funny) in who you are - if you can master just that - being confident and funny - you will be a whiz in social situation in no time.

But people throw years of their lives away thinking this when, in fact, they have a real problem. Seeking consultation from a professional is the low-risk, potentially high reward choice.

At his age he'd be better off reading some good non-tech books... Catcher in the Rye, Siddhartha, Fountainhead, a Taoism book... maybe a Philip K. Dick book or Vonnegut for some fun.

Maybe it's just me but I haven't run across too many mental health professionals that really seemed to know what they were doing. It's like chiropractors - there are a lot of them that are doing more harm than good it seems.

At 21 you think you've had a past, and you have, but your past is almost entirely a childhood. Mistakes you have made in your past at 21 are mostly childhood mistakes.

By the time you're 34 (as I am) you'll have had 17 years of adult-esque time to make all kinds of mistakes. You'll have also had all kinds of time to make major changes and accomplish major things.

Unless you had a truly horrific past, at 21 you can pivot to doing almost anything.

This is especially true in university. In undergraduate at university I switched majors from International Business (about 8 months until I fell in love with 100-level Economics) to Economics (about a month, until I realized it was all math) to Philosophy (about a year; it was really fun but I didn't want to do it professionally) to Cognitive Psychology (which I completed a major in) to Computer Science (which was the other half of my double-major). If you add that up and include co-op work terms, it took 6 years! At the end of it, did I wish I'd had the "wasted" time back once I was a software developer? Sure! I'd missed a good portion of the dot-com boom, and it would have been really fun, presumably :) But I learned a lot from the "wasted" time, and that's what undergraduate is for.

Everyone in their 30s (and older) will probably tell you that you have "so much time", and I'm sure it's infuriating to hear about all the choice etc when you probably don't have much money or direction. But you also presumably don't have a mortgage or children! So, you have more "degrees of freedom", in that your income requirement is a lot lower. So, you can make huge changes with a lot less risk than when you're older. You won't realize how huge an opportunity that is until you are older. But trust me: it is.

TL;DR - Don't obsess over your supposedly wasted time; you've hardly had any time to waste. Take some time to decide what you want to do and become, then figure out the next action you could take to get slightly closer to that goal. Then repeat as necessary.

- Get lots of vigorous exercise. Run for over 1 hour each day, etc. Your exercise regimen should take 2 solid hours of your day.

- Get plenty of sleep. Be sure you are getting at least 8 hours per night at predictable times.

- Start reading for pleasure. Preferably a novel, even an audiobook is great for this.

- When you're getting started with this, ban yourself from doing any work for 4 days and just exercise, sleep, read, and relax.

You may have psychiatric issues, but more likely this is a small slump and you just need to change up your routine and let your body produce a bit more natural dopamine.

So in the spirit of a slightly nicer community, if you were in San Diego I'd be happy to get some beers with you and talk to you about this. I'm 32 now but I was a 21 year old introvert who had just dropped out of school and had low self-esteem once and now would consider myself successful in making a living programming. The thing that got me going was just getting to work. Start making something. Making progress on a project is important and will certainly help your self-esteem. I always learn by picking a project and figuring out the technology/language I need as I go. It helps, believe me. Don't give up, just keep moving. I've never personally been bothered by loneliness but there's got to be clubs and groups around, even if they're like Public Speaking clubs or whatever. You don't have to date or even make best friends in school, just meet people and let things happen.

(Some evolutionary psychologists also think there's evidence that "feeling good from doing good" is a selected-for trait. That's because the doing-good that results from the feeling-good can confer advantages on kin or on a group. EXAMPLE: Other things being equal, a parent who happens to derive pleasure from caring for his/her offspring is more likely to have his/her genes passed on to grandchildren. EXAMPLE: OTBE, an infantry squad whose members happen to feel an urge to look out for one another is more likely to succeed in war than an every-man-for-himself mob.)

I joined the dragon boat club because on a boat, you're going to need good teamwork or else you're going to sink. And often sports clubs will have teamwork building exercises like learning people's names. It's getting through that first step of knowing the person's name that's the hardest. Once you're at a first-name basis with someone, it's a lot easier to talk to them.

But, if a psychologist or psychiatrist is out of the question, you can try some cognitive behavioural therapy online for free and in private: <http://moodgym.anu.edu.au/welcome>; The study behind this website actually showed it was more effective than visiting a therapist in person! There's a decent number of CBT exercises to complete, and it seems quite a few people get better simply by using the site without any psychological intervention.

But more importantly: it's sometimes possible to channel your negative emotions to good use. But sometimes it's not, and that's OK. Forget the advice that you should just 'man up' - if you feel the need to reach out here then it's a sign that what you have may be more than just a low attitude. It's OK to ask for help, it's OK to get it, and regardless of whether there's a stigma attached to mental ill health, it's OK to get professional help. There's nothing 'wrong' with you, but you can get help for everything you've mentioned if you feel you need it.

Your problem right now is that you don't really believe that making a concerted effort, despite how uncomfortable it might feel, is ultimately going to be worth it. (or even work, for that matter) It is.

1. Seriously consider getting your own place or room. At minimum find somewhere you can go to be by yourself and not worried about being judged.

2. In the US (don't know about India) grades mostly only matter when you're first out of college. For a bachelors I think good internships can partially make up for it.

3. Take fewer classes at a time and you will have more time to learn and succeed.

4. Maybe consider starting / joining a study group for your classes. You get some socialization and there is a clear topic for discussion.

5. Along those lines also consider joining clubs for any interests you have. Again, already having a shared interest means you don't have to fish as much for something to talk about.

6.Failures fade as time goes on. My guess, though not knowing the culture, is that nobody is likely to bring up the F you had 10 years after you graduate.

7. Your life can change a lot after you graduate. Moving somewhere completely new can give you a completely fresh start -- that's what I did. Perhaps go as far as starting with all new possessions.

8. This is conjecture and something I am going to try myself, but break down big tasks into short tasks you can complete in a couple hours (perhaps answering 2 homework problems.) Write down your successes in a book. It will add up over time.

9. Given finite energy and time, I would spend more time on the classes for now. The classes will go away before people do.

10. Lower risk relationships, such as people who you could simply never see again if something bad happens, may be easier to deal with.

As you know, in a third world country, especially when the state has more power (biggest % of jobs), the only way to prove yourself and get a job is a "degree".

India is big, so may be things there are a little different. But trust me, don't drop from college. You know that people without degrees are underpaid and can hardly make a living. Don't drop, get the degree, I know the college sucks, because the education level is so low and professor are just there to take their salary at the end of the month.

If you are smart you'll get the degree. Drop if you make money. Your business is more important than that college degree, but if you don't have any business or freelancing didn't go well with you, don't drop.

I'm a university student and I'll be starting a company in the next few months. If things started to shift quite considerably, I'll ditch that uni. and go full time business; otherwise, my degree is there. The spare wheel! I know the salary sucks, anyway, but that's better than staying jobless or doing something totally irrelevant.

Follow your heart, but be careful at taking decisions.

1) Go talk to more people. Half of them may be ass holes. Another 45% may not care but as edw519 said "Fuck that shit". The 5% who will become your friends will be worth their weight in gold.

2) Work hard and know that the world doesn't owe you anything. Guidance is for you to seek. If teachers are bad, teach yourself. You are lucky to know English and be in a position where you can learn programming in a world filled with poor people who don't get to eat twice a day. You need to not just accept but believe that you are lucky.

1. The man who did not waste a great deal of time at your age is unusual and fortunate. As for self confidence, it seems to distributed every evenly among those who have reasons for it and those who have none; in my day I met quite a few undergraduates with great self confidence that may have carried over from being in a cool crowd in high school, but who seemed to me to be of very little interest.

2. Some of the future is in your hands, but none of the past is. Evaluate your past for what it can do for you, but try not to dwell on it.

3. Trust me, it is not only in India that one meets dud professors.

Most of the other suggestions here are based on exactly those kinds of small habits - take exercise, eat well, try to talk to people, etc. Many people enter adulthood retaining major imbalances in their personality, and they tend to find their way towards balance only with the passage of years and effort.

The Mindful Way Through Depression: Freeing Yourself From Chronic Unhappiness

http://books.google.com/books?id=uE-HjrA2yJIC&printsec=f...

It's not going to happen in a day, it'll take time. We're all strong and you can get through it. Talking to someone helps. We've all been there and when I talked to a professional it made the world of a difference, but see what you can do for yourself first.

My personal advice would be to get busy with something that doesn't involve college, like a web app or a game, and keep at it. I've found that seeing a project you've worked on all by yourself slowly come to life is a great confidence booster. If that doesn't help you, maybe you should look for professional help. Good luck man!

Cheers

It really helped me to find people that were passionate about the same things I was. I found user groups and not only went to them, became an active member and organizer. People come to me to talk more often than I go to them to talk now. It's great and feeling useful helps carry me through everything else in my life that seems difficult and overwhelming.

http://www.geometricvisions.com/schizoaffective-disorder/

If on the other hand it turns out you're just a normal shy introvert you might want to watch others changing themselves in TV shows like Beauty and the Geek and The Pickup Artist, or read Yes Man by Danny Wallace, once you see other people change it might help you realise that plenty of other people have faced similar challenges and that there is hope for you. Who knows, in a few years you might be writing a post to someone who is where you were when you posted here. I'll leave you with a little Zen.

Once upon the time there was an old farmer who had worked his crops for many years. One day his horse ran away. Upon hearing the news, his neighbors came to visit. “Such bad luck,” they said sympathetically.

“Maybe,” the farmer replied.

The next morning the horse returned, bringing with it three other wild horses. “How wonderful,” the neighbors exclaimed.

“Maybe,” replied the old man.

The following day, his son tried to ride one of the untamed horses, was thrown, and broke his leg. The neighbors again came to offer their sympathy on his misfortune.

“Maybe,” answered the farmer.

The day after, military officials came to the village to draft young men into the army. Seeing that the son’s leg was broken, they passed him by. The neighbors congratulated the farmer on how well things had turned out.

“Maybe,” said the farmer.

If you can buy a bike, do it, go ride, see how big and beautiful the world around you is. When you exercise, it will make you feel so much better.

Last, invite a girl to go on a bike ride with you!

http://thehappinesstrap.com/

http://contextualpsychology.org/act_for_the_public

Find one and get busy.

Studies have shown that cognitive-behavioral therapy is a great treatment for depression and anxiety. But don't take my word for it - here's an excerpt from a class at Yale taught by the psychologist Paul Bloom, which can be found here ( http://oyc.yale.edu/yale/psychology/introduction-to-psycholo... ):

"In turn, there is a cognitive behavioral therapy that's based on Beck's theory. And the major steps in this involve identifying the themes in a person's negative thoughts and triggers for them and in helping the person challenge those thoughts by asking them what the evidence is for their interpretations, whether there are other ways of looking at the situation, how they could cope with the situation if a bad thing really did happen. So, the therapist helps the client recognize negative beliefs or assumptions and then challenges the truth value of these, and then change aspects of the environment that are related to depressive symptoms. So, they challenge your rational thinking, but they also recognize that there are really bad things that sometimes are going on the life of a person who is depressed, and they help them engage in more active problem solving to change those environments. They also teach the person ways to manage their mood so that they don't tumble down into depression. And these cognitive behavioral therapies have been shown to be extremely effective and as effective in some ways as the drug treatments.

So, this is a recent study in which they had 240 patients with major depressive disorder. They gave them four months of acute treatment with either cognitive behavioral therapy or Paxil, which is an SSRI. And in eight weeks here--they also had a placebo control group where they just got a pill, but it was a sugar pill. At eight weeks, the Paxil group, which is in red, and the CBT group, which is in yellow, were relatively even, although the Paxil group had a little bit of an edge over the CBT group. But by sixteen weeks the Paxil and CBT group were absolutely even in terms of the percent of people who were no longer depressed. So, both of them resulted in about 60% of people not being depressed.

And then one of the things that's been found over and over again with cognitive behavioral therapy is that it not only helps people get out of a current episode of depression, it helps to prevent future episodes of depression because it teaches the person new coping skills for dealing with new stressors that arise. So, in this same study they followed the patients for an additional twelve months. And of the Paxil group, half were left on full-dose medications to see if you could prevent depression by just keeping people on the meds, and half of the Paxil group were withdrawn to a placebo. And let's look at the placebo group first here.

This is the sad news about depression. If you just take drugs to get out of a current episode and you go off of the drugs without having any kind of psychotherapy, your rate of relapse tends to be very high. So, in this group of 240, almost 80% relapsed in the first year after going off of the active medication. Again, these were people who did not get any cognitive behavioral therapy. Of those people who stayed on Paxil alone, about 50% relapsed. But of those people who got cognitive behavioral therapy, only about 35% relapsed. And this kind of finding has been replicated over and over again, namely that CBT can reduce the rate of relapse in depression quite dramatically."

Another leading psychologist, Jonathan Haidt of Ted fame ( http://www.ted.com/speakers/jonathan_haidt.html ) runs a website about the psychology of happiness, including what to do if you're depressed (and/or anxious).I can't summarize the site into a few sentences, but I would like to highlight this excerpt:

"Happiness doesn't come entirely from within, but if you ever have to choose between changing your thinking or changing the world to make it conform to your wishes, be sure to choose the former. Particularly if you scored below average on the various happiness and optimism measures above, the odds are good that you'll benefit from some form of cognitive therapy. Even if you scored above average, you probably have some unhealthy thought patterns: are you very sensitive to rejection? Do you tend to hold on to anger? Do you ruminate about the things you should have said, and kick yourself for days over the things you did say? Cognitive therapy, meditation, and anti-depressant drugs all help you change your thoughts and reduce pessimism and rumination.

Learn to do cognitive therapy on yourself. It's easy, and it works like magic. Start by reading a book such as Mind Over Mood, by Padesky & Greenberger, or Feeling Good by David Burns, or Learned Optimism, by Marty Seligman. (For problems with anxiety, see The Anxiety & Phobia Workbook.) Learn the names of the common thought distortions and fill out a "dysfunctional thoughts record" each time you have one."

The full website can be found here: http://www.happinesshypothesis.com/beyond-gethappy.html

1) You don't have many friends, and (I assume, though this isn't clear) that you wish you had more.

2) You feel your educational institutions are failing you, in the sense that they are not educating you.

3) You are ashamed of yourself, and things that you have done, so much so that it keeps you from moving forward with studying or doing well in school and, (I also assume) working on things outside of school.

You then made a specific request for advice on how you can forget what you see as your shitty past, because you believe this will help you to move forward.

Sound about right?

Well okay let's deal with #1 first. How to get more friends and be less lonely. Most people can't control whether or not other people think they're funny, or think they're cool, or like them. Seriously. Walk up to someone and try to make them like you. It doesn't work, even if you are charming or funny or cool. But what you can control is whether or not you are a good person. A good person helps others out without the expectation of reward. A good person doesn't talk shit about people behind their backs. A good person stands up for those weaker than himself. Perhaps you could start by offering to tutor someone who is struggling with Python. You could spend time talking to an old woman, or someone with a physical disability.

Work on being a good person. Once you've done that, the friends will come, and the loneliness will fix itself.

As a corollary to this, do an inventory of your friends, even though you don't have many, and of your family members. Are they good people? Or are they shallow and small minded or mean or alcoholic? Do they talk about other people behind their backs? Are they negative, or hypercritical? If so, get them out of your life. People can be heat sinks, just like a swimming pool. You don't notice them draining your energy, in fact maybe being around them can seem pleasant. But over time, just as an 80 degree swimming pool will suck heat energy out of your body at an alarming rate, so can negative people.

Which brings me to problem number two. It sounds like your instructors and professors aren't adding anything to your life. You must now either find professors or teachers who do add to your life, and will take an interest in you, or you need to get the fuck out of college. It's okay to give up on formal education, especially if you have a good brain. Learn the shit out of python from books. Build toy applications. Get a job. Contribute to open source. There is more than one way to get an education.

And regarding problem number three, I really like the advice by Swombat above. You ain't alone, bubba. Nobody cares except for you.

And I know this won't be popular advice, but maybe it's time you thought of a change. I don't know that I'd recommend the Indian Army for a change of pace, but I spent 4 years in the US Army as a paratrooper between high school and college, and it helped me to get over my own bullshit. Again, my bullshit was very similar to yours. No friends, didn't like my instructors at college, and my family wasn't much help.

Whatever happens, you're not alone, and good luck. You'd be surprised at how many people there are out there who, once they decide you're a good person, will want to see you succeed.

Being more outgoing. There are two steps here that need to work for that to happen: you need to like the person you are in social situations, and you can't care about what people think of you.

To elaborate on the first point, you need to enjoy social situations. Don't go into social situations to "meet friends" or get "rid of you social anxiety" - go into them to have fun (here the second step needs to be in order, but more about that later). If you have fun, you'll meet people who you think are fun to be around with - and there's a good chance they think the same of you at that point. Also, liking the person you are usually includes things like not being arrogant etc (for most people anyway).

The second point: don't care about what people think of you. This doesn't mean you shouldn't care about what people think - they can have interesting, magnificent, cool ideas, but it's just their opinion of you that shouldn't matter. As long as you like the person you are (see point above), no one else's opinion should matter. I have maybe 5 people in my life whom I'd listen to if they said seriously commented on something about me. It's very hard to express yourself openly and have fun if there's something in the back of your mind telling you how you should care about what all the people present think of you.

In my experience, you can't have one without the other. Both of those need to be in order to actually enjoy being around people.

Then, your study habits (remembering crap when trying to study). I had (well, have to some degree) the exact same problem as you. I can't say I've found the magic bullet, but I think I've got the basic psychology down. Think about what you do when that train of thought starts to appear? I'd bet good money you hold out for a while, but eventually give in and watch a movie/new episode of House/play WoW/etc. That's a pattern your mind has learned over the time: if you start thinking about crap you'll eventually get rewarded with the latest antics of that funny doctor. Breaking that pattern is hard, but if you have got the socialization part down, it becomes easier, as you have much less embarrasing things to care about. As soon as you start thinking those thoughts, you need to redirect them to the task at hand. And again. And again.

Throughout all of this, one important skill is redirecting your thoughts. Find yourself at a party, thinking if the thing you just said was maybe a bit awkward? You need to redirect your thoughts to the task at hand, having fun. Talking to a new friend, thinking how you should respond so he'd think good of you? See previous action. Thinking about crap while studying? Redirect your thoughts to that funny thing that happened last week or the task at hand.

Obviously it'll take a long time before you change your thought patterns permanently, but don't despair, you're only 21.

Suggestions: pick up Feeling Good by David Burns. It's exceedingly practical and will help you quickly.

Start an exercise program. It does not need to be ambitious. Just start a routine of walking every day for 20+ minutes. Listen to music or a podcast or the radio -- associate something positive with it so that you're more likely to do it. Why exercise? Endorphins, sure, but also because there is clinical evidence that physical exercise on a daily basis changes the brain in a positive way and fights depression.

If it's not obvious to you: you're depressed. I'm not qualified to make that judgement, but I'd be willing to bet you are. The good news: you can fight it and win.

Fish oil! This is another thing that's been shown to have a positive effect on mood. [edit] Fish or flaxseed oil is what you want, either in 'pill' form or as a liquid.

"Shitty past" pffft. Some people starve and die before they're 10. I had what is a comparatively "rough" start to life compared to most in my country, but I don't think it actually matters or should have any impact on my present happiness.

tl;dr Grow up, get out of your room, choose to be happy.

  [1] http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Set_and_setting

Maybe a guided MDMA experience would be better, so that the poster can talk through the issues with someone IRL. Still, it's not our place to be "prescribing" drugs to someone who really should be getting some professional opinions.

Of course it's not our place to prescribe drugs. I am not prescribing anything.

If you say you're tired and someone tells you, "Grab a cup of coffee" or "Take a nap", are they writing you a prescription? No!

This advice is given in the same spirit, and while you may think it's bad advice, that is your opinion, based, hopefully, on your personal experience. This is my opinion, it happens to differ with yours, and it is based on my personal experience, and it also happens to be grounded in sound science. [1]

No prescription necessary, just an honest suggestion that the poster is free to research for him or herself.

Yes, there are risks to be aware of, and hence my mentioning set and setting, and the importance of having a sitter. Take the advice or leave it, I'm just mentioning it, and yes, conditionally endorsing it.

  [1] https://secure.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/wiki/Psilocybin#2006_Johns_Hopkins_experiment

That's probably because I've never known any who have.

And little? I don't think depression is a "little problem."

Fair enough. I switched little to the colored pills.

Anyway, he asked for advice from a bunch of random people on the internet - and IMO there were a lot of good ones... exercising and stuff like that - but that takes real effort and the OP doesn't seem capable of that right now. So in that context I think my advice was as fair as the rest - certainly seems to work for the socially awkward in the rest of the world which is why it's pretty much accepted in every culture everywhere.

Edit: Wish I could get Kingfisher and Taj Mahal here...