I see families struggle with things I don’t recall seeing as a kid or teenager. We all had more people around. We were rarely functioning as such independent family units.
And you’re right, my dad was a carpenter himself and he did all kinds of favours for people. Especially elderly people—mostly women—who couldn’t do the work themselves or easily afford to pay someone to. He would offer lower rates, fit things in for free, and show up at their convenience. It was the right thing to do. That isn’t really possible now, though.
Something I urge my kids to understand is that family is great, but it was never meant to be everything. That isn’t to diminish family, but to encourage one to identify and appreciate what’s so valuable and rewarding in friends and community. Humans are so richly social and so poor at functioning in isolation; there’s no sense in pretending otherwise. We really need each other. The more community erodes, so do we each as well.
I don’t think this happened because of personal changes. Absent interference, people would almost certainly form close community. We need to look for the source of the interference, individual actions aren’t enough.
My experience is very similar. I believe there are two primary reasons for this:
1. People are wealthier, and wealthier people tend to be more independent.
2. Population density is higher. Places with lower density, such as villages still tend to have that people to people connection like in the old days
I grew up poor, in a village, but otherwise have had a fairly rich life. I've landed on the other side: well off and in the city. Still alone, however.
The hassle of finding my way in life and finally doing it made me "overly independent" given common sentiment.
I'm generally fine, yet outside of posts like this... I have absolutely no interest to connect. When people at work try to get close I actually feel saddened by my incapability.
The argument could certainly be made that opening up strengthens. That may be true. It may also be a transactional relationship going the other way.
I've had that vulnerability exploited enough. It's not as simple as "we like smooshing our meat bits together". Game theory exists.
Avoidance, yes, but show me where it has failed... me.
Rhetorical, not an accusation: it feels very strange to judge others for their independence. Why, so you can benefit?
Personally, the question isn't "why aren't people socializing". It's: "why is it worthwhile?". There's no universal answer - we must find it, I'm still trying.
All of this to say, we all play our hands. Sometimes too well.
“why is it worthwhile” - generally human connection is a psychological need, if we are not conscious of it, the need will get filled with weird behaviors we don’t understand.
It sounds like you have been hurt by connection; I would encourage you to put some effort into understanding where your past experiences lead to you being exploited. If you can consciously learn how to identify safe people (they do exist) it will help with connection immensely.
I see families struggle with things I don’t recall seeing as a kid or teenager. We all had more people around. We were rarely functioning as such independent family units.
And you’re right, my dad was a carpenter himself and he did all kinds of favours for people. Especially elderly people—mostly women—who couldn’t do the work themselves or easily afford to pay someone to. He would offer lower rates, fit things in for free, and show up at their convenience. It was the right thing to do. That isn’t really possible now, though.
Something I urge my kids to understand is that family is great, but it was never meant to be everything. That isn’t to diminish family, but to encourage one to identify and appreciate what’s so valuable and rewarding in friends and community. Humans are so richly social and so poor at functioning in isolation; there’s no sense in pretending otherwise. We really need each other. The more community erodes, so do we each as well.