I had the same problem as you. I had the same reaction to this post. It sucks man. Dating apps were not good for my mental health, so I got off them before I could become a bitter person.
I eventually found a gf outside of the apps, entirely by chance. I still do not see how I could’ve found her aside from pure random chance, so unfortunately that doesn’t help you at all.
The more you put yourself in social settings (online, offline, whatever), the more you increase the surface area for finding someone through "pure random chance". Just adding a more optimistic bent to things.
Exactly, dating apps are just one tool in the toolbox, and one that doesn't work well for a lot of people at that (in my experience, the types of people that I would be interested in dating generally aren't on dating apps, so I stopped using them.)
The trick is to find out where you're likely to meet the types of people you are interested in: interest groups, college campus, gaming Discords, climbing gym, etc. I think in dating, diversification is key, because the types of people you will find in any given environment can be highly autocorrelated in terms of preferences and personality.
The other trick is to actually flirt with people when you like someone. A minority of people might not take it well, but it actually brightens a lot of people's days when done respectfully and it's the only way to have a chance at getting somewhere.
You’re right. As a hetero man, I was not doing activities that included many women. But I still don’t know what I could’ve done differently, because doing activities involving women that I don’t enjoy, so that I can be on the lookout for potential dates… doesn’t seem very enjoyable, and also seems a bit creepy. On the other hand, going to activities I don’t enjoy and not looking for dates seems rather pointless.
You’re always going to be seen as creepy until some woman doesn’t. That’s just the norms we have in society right now. You’re a threat until proven otherwise.
Most social activities that involve strangers are also full of men. This is because most men aren’t interested in going out and meeting new people they have no social connection with. Women go to parties, outings with other friends, etc. Men go to things alone like bars, clubs, gyms, sports, etc. to meet new people and bond with absolutely complete strangers. Most women don’t do this at all.
I did that. I had plenty of friends, but no girlfriends ;)
I realized that increasing the surface area mostly only matters if you’re increasing the surface area of meeting the kind of person you want to date. As a hetero man, I was not doing activities that included many women. But I still don’t know what I could’ve done differently, because doing activities involving women that I don’t enjoy, so that I can be on the lookout for potential dates… doesn’t seem very enjoyable, and also seems a bit creepy. On the other hand, going to activities I don’t enjoy and not looking for dates seems rather pointless.
That's the key. You need to get more random chances by doing more things that get you to interact with other people.
Well, that and optimize your attractiveness as best you are able. That can take a large variety of forms depending on your target audience and who you want to be personally.
The problem is almost certainly that your profile is bad. I'm happy to provide feedback, or you can check out some of the subreddits where people provide tips.
The truth is that most men get nothing from dating services. It’s only the top few percent of men who are getting substantial attention. Even then - of the friends I know who are getting some attention, they say it’s a huge mental drain because they have to be a jester to entertain so many women in order to get anywhere. These are above average men but not very good looking men. The good looking men don’t even have to try - the mental effort is low.
All the websites I'm aware of have app counterparts now. I suspect he's talking about the ones that didn't start off as apps and allow more detailed profiles, like Match and EHarmony. And yes, they're pretty much dead. Match is somewhat viable but far less active than it was five years ago. EHarmony is extremely expensive and almost completely dead. There are maybe a dozen new sign ups per day in my entire state, and most of the profiles are dead and can't see or send messages because people balked when they saw the price, which isn't shown until you complete the (rather lengthy) personality questionnaire.
On top of all that, they're all slowly changing to the swipe mechanics of Tinder and the like. Personally I hate that model, but apparently it's "won".
