> I'm afraid to make investments fearing that the market could crash the second I enter it, and erase my money, leaving me vulnerable to being homeless or dependent on doing shitty jobs I hate just to stay afloat, so I just hoard cash like an idiot as that makes me feels safe and lets me sleep well at night.

Blended funds! You can choose what % of your money is invested at various risk levels. Choose a fund that puts only a fraction of your money in stocks, money markets, CDs, etc., and finally cash.