what could have saved the marriage was to learn how to communicate without judging, and active listening to the partner. but that needs to be in place before the trust was broken. When one needs to resort to bugging the partners phone "for intel" the train has left the station (probably years before).
The partner is like an insider-threat from a security pov. Doing OpSec against a spouse is IMO impossible because the whole point of a romantic partner is to have somebody one can trust.
Some people will never believe love+trust should be the pillars of a relationship because that's not the model/framework they learned from their own parents.
The expectation is that it's only a matter of time for said partner to let them down (like they have seen it by their own parents in childhood). It's a self-fulfilling prophecy almost.
My ex tried to finish me off by forging signatures on some of my cheques (an old cheque-book she knew belongs to a closed account that book actually should have been destroyed by me), lies-lies-more lies, manipulate our kids with tactics such as repeatedly mentioning events that never happened ... She also became quickly physically violent so I had to call 911 a few times because I was terrified of further escalation (she would attempt to start physical fights by running to the kitchen to grab a knife ...
Getting rid of this abuse has costed me the relationship to my kids (they had been told by my spouse I was too lazy to bring them to school when in fact I was having severe PTSD/depression, and was not only unable to drive but also unable to walk from my bedroom to the kitchen to prepare a meal).
Another example was when I stood across the room making a cup of tea when she started screaming my son's name asking him to come quick and help. I was so confused that I didn't know what was happening - she literally told him I beat her and she needs his protections when I was at least 9ft away from her. I couldn't believe what happened at the time but now many years later know the purpose was to implant false memories. I never beat a woman in my whole life because it goes against everything I stand for. ... I have dozens of little horrible anecdotes just like this ...
Some relationship reach a point from which they never return. Others should have never happened in the first place. Hard to tell which is which (or what is healthy or correct) when you've run from abusive parents yourself. The correct (positive) reference model is not missing - it's totally incorrect.
India adds another twist: arranged marriages do not put value on love+romance before the wedding. It might all fall in place after a while but it's not a precondition.
The partner is like an insider-threat from a security pov. Doing OpSec against a spouse is IMO impossible because the whole point of a romantic partner is to have somebody one can trust.
Some people will never believe love+trust should be the pillars of a relationship because that's not the model/framework they learned from their own parents.
The expectation is that it's only a matter of time for said partner to let them down (like they have seen it by their own parents in childhood). It's a self-fulfilling prophecy almost.
My ex tried to finish me off by forging signatures on some of my cheques (an old cheque-book she knew belongs to a closed account that book actually should have been destroyed by me), lies-lies-more lies, manipulate our kids with tactics such as repeatedly mentioning events that never happened ... She also became quickly physically violent so I had to call 911 a few times because I was terrified of further escalation (she would attempt to start physical fights by running to the kitchen to grab a knife ...
Getting rid of this abuse has costed me the relationship to my kids (they had been told by my spouse I was too lazy to bring them to school when in fact I was having severe PTSD/depression, and was not only unable to drive but also unable to walk from my bedroom to the kitchen to prepare a meal).
Another example was when I stood across the room making a cup of tea when she started screaming my son's name asking him to come quick and help. I was so confused that I didn't know what was happening - she literally told him I beat her and she needs his protections when I was at least 9ft away from her. I couldn't believe what happened at the time but now many years later know the purpose was to implant false memories. I never beat a woman in my whole life because it goes against everything I stand for. ... I have dozens of little horrible anecdotes just like this ...
Some relationship reach a point from which they never return. Others should have never happened in the first place. Hard to tell which is which (or what is healthy or correct) when you've run from abusive parents yourself. The correct (positive) reference model is not missing - it's totally incorrect.
India adds another twist: arranged marriages do not put value on love+romance before the wedding. It might all fall in place after a while but it's not a precondition.