I like your summary a lot better, and much of this info is buried. Something that speaks volumes is reading the first sentence part of each paragraph in that section, you get exactly zero of these points.
The storytelling flow of consciousness might work for some, but generally it's well established that for this type of writing, leading with your point and backing up with examples after tends to be more effective. But also in this case, a lot of the details don't actually add context to the lesson and can be removed without hurting the content of the piece.
As an example, here's a possible rewrite of section #3 that I think reads a lot better and really doesn't lack any material:
> A long time ago, I was told “if you’re a startup, try not to waste your time talking to big companies unless you’re doing it deliberately. They have an absolutely endless capacity to consume your time with meetings.” I didn't truly understand until I got a chance to work with a partner for my first time within Shopify on our partnership with Operation HOPE to help start 1,000,000 new Black-owned businesses over the next decade.
> It’s clear to me now how this happens. In a partnership, I have found the most important thing is making sure that someone who understands every piece of the project is involved from the very outset of the project. If this fails, you end up spending a lot of time (like I have) straightening out requirements and capabilities on both sides. This creates meeting after meeting as new groups get pulled in, but never solves the real problem.
The storytelling flow of consciousness might work for some, but generally it's well established that for this type of writing, leading with your point and backing up with examples after tends to be more effective. But also in this case, a lot of the details don't actually add context to the lesson and can be removed without hurting the content of the piece.
As an example, here's a possible rewrite of section #3 that I think reads a lot better and really doesn't lack any material:
> A long time ago, I was told “if you’re a startup, try not to waste your time talking to big companies unless you’re doing it deliberately. They have an absolutely endless capacity to consume your time with meetings.” I didn't truly understand until I got a chance to work with a partner for my first time within Shopify on our partnership with Operation HOPE to help start 1,000,000 new Black-owned businesses over the next decade.
> It’s clear to me now how this happens. In a partnership, I have found the most important thing is making sure that someone who understands every piece of the project is involved from the very outset of the project. If this fails, you end up spending a lot of time (like I have) straightening out requirements and capabilities on both sides. This creates meeting after meeting as new groups get pulled in, but never solves the real problem.
Word Count: 488 vs 154