This sounds very transactional, the personal concern seems to be an aftertoghth.

I was struggling with this dilemma recently, when wrting an email. Knowing what you just said, that your request should be in the first paragraph, and at the same time wanting to show humman connection, I don't think that I did very good job. Still haven't found a smooth way to express both things in the first sentance/paragraph.

I guess, it depends on the person you are writing to.