Here’s a neat trick. When you’re at a party, meetup or other social event, don’t approach people standing alone. Instead, approach people in groups of two, say hello (or give a quick little glass tink ‘cheers’) and introduce yourself. A large large amount of the time, one of those two people want OUT of the conversation and you’ll be that out.
That’s a great low risk drill to get started. It’s low risk because it works and you’re in an environment where respectful interruptions like that are acceptable. Good luck and if you get stuck, feel free to reach out.
This is a good tip. And something easy and safe to start a conversation with a group of 2+ is a question like "How do you guys know each other?" They'll likely mention a mutual friend, their workplace, or a hobby they share, which can all be good topics to help develop a conversation.
Also, if you're a guest of the host of a party, you can approach people and just ask "So, how do you know $host?" Perhaps these are both effective conversation starts or questions because they begin with "how" as opposed to a who/what/when sort of question.
I find the whole social scene like a weird challenge. Maybe I'm just out of muscle but it seems too many people are struggling and everybody is resorting to tips and tricks to live by. How come it's an easy process on average.
Find something the person may be very interested in, and get them talking about it.
"I can't help but notice that watch, can I ask you about it?" (Anybody asking about my watch is an instant friend. WHY WONT ANYBODY NOTICE MY WATCHES??)
"This might be weird but I need a new barber, where do you get your haircut?"
"Yooo where did you get that sweater?"
"You carrying golf clubs around the city? There a course I don't know about?"
"Is that a defcon sticker?"
Something unique about them. Find it, ask about it. Easy to practice. Just do the find it step to random people during your commute.
If some randomer approached me in public, especially on my commute, and dropped any of the above lines or any others about some material item I had on me, I’d write them off as a grifter looking for an angle to play.
Especially the “yoooo dawg lemme see that watch!” kind of vernacular.
As such I refuse to believe any of your recommendations come from personally successful experiences.
That’s quite an insecurity-laced kneejerk reaction you’ve posted there.
A tip from an adult who didn’t stumble into this industry from the recruitment sidelines: Keep your “yoooo dawg swaggy swag brooo!” stuff to your non-work friends. Women cite this immature brogrammer nonsense and the “culture” it creates as one of the reasons they’re put off from joining, or as a reason for leaving, the tech industry.
Where's these personal attacks coming from? Insecurity? You called me a liar. I feel my response was a perfectly acceptable way to defend myself against such an accusation.
> A tip from an adult who didn’t stumble into this industry from the recruitment sidelines:
What's the purpose of delving into my post history to find more material for personal insults?
Why have you rhetorically positioned yourself as an adult, and me as a child, in your message?
What emotion were you hoping I felt when you insinuated that my professional background makes me Less Than?
Why is it so important to you to impress upon me that You Are Smarter Than Me?
This only really should be used in parties or social events where there is a host, like a dinner party at someone's house. Or a work office lunch, or meet-and-greet.
You wouldn't use it out and about on the street or the bus, unless you were really personable.
"Hi , my name is .. <reach out hand for handshake>. What you've been up today?"
- Start conversion with something you notice about the other person, the event, the surroundings ("the color of your watch matches with your sweater - stylish!", "is this stuff boring or is it just me?", "you know why they put that thing over there?")
- Topics: Family, Occupation, Recreation, Dreams
- Repeat the last few words of the other person and look asking. The person will continue the subject s/he's talking about
- Connect and imagine the other guy. "I am a writer" - "A writer! I always wanted to be one but always stop after one page of writing. I imagine you must be very disciplined"
- You can always say nothing and just stay there. Often the other person picks up the conversation once you're past a few minutes.
- Try looking people into the eye while walking around, and force yourself to not look away. This is a nice training for looking strangers in to the eye in a cold approach. Once you got that, talking to strangers becomes much less intimidating.
- Eventually people will ask you what you do for work / or what you did today. Have something ready that sounds interesting.
> "Hi , my name is .. <reach out hand for handshake>. What you've been up today?"
...why is this guy randomly talking to me? Are they selling something?
> - Start conversion with something you notice about the other person, the event, the surroundings ("the color of your watch matches with your sweater - stylish!", "is this stuff boring or is it just me?", "you know why they put that thing over there?")
...this is wildly veering _super_ boring and way too personal.
> Repeat the last few words of the other person and look asking. The person will continue the subject s/he's talking about
...okay, they're not selling me anything, they're an axe murderer.
> Connect and imagine the other guy. "I am a writer" - "A writer! I always wanted to be one but always stop after one page of writing. I imagine you must be very disciplined"
...at least they seem sloppy, maybe if I leave the venue quietly they'll forget I was there.
1. Avoids topic that involve materialised ethics.
2. Uses _rape_ as a funny acronym.
More evidence of axe murdering tendencies.
> You can always say nothing and just stay there. Often the other person picks up the conversation once you're past a few minutes.
...I don't think standing silently in the corner and staring is going to diminish the axe murderer impression you just made.
> Try looking people into the eye while walking around, and force yourself to not look away. This is a nice training for looking strangers in to the eye in a cold approach. Once you got that, talking to strangers becomes much less intimidating.
...what did I just say about staring? Because now you're _staring people right in the eye and not looking back_. Fun thing you learn early as you learn masking autism, people _way_ overrate looking others in the eyes.
> Eventually people will ask you what you do for work / or what you did today. Have something ready that sounds interesting.
"I kill people. With an axe and/or facial recognition."
> ...why is this guy randomly talking to me? Are they selling something?
People assume that even at networking, social gatherings, or speed dating events. Doesn't matter what their initial impression is as you can change their later impression.
> ...oh god, this is boring...
That can be said for anything. The point is to make them contribute and prevent a one-sided conversation.
> ...this is wildly veering _super_ boring and way too personal.
That's why progression matters. You can also refrain from asking them directly, like for example: "let me guess, you're an arts student/interior designer" Most people would correct your assumption, and now you're talking about occupation. Or you can segway that to recreation "I could've sworn that you're the (assumed occupation) type. You seem like you do plenty of (activity related to assumed occupation)" The person would again correct the assumption, or if not, you can change the subject or push through. Either ask directly "so what do you do instead?" or share a detail about yourself/the subject that'd bait the person into asking or sharing theirs.
> ...Axe murder...
Most people respond friendly. If they are part of the contrary, move on.
> People assume that even at networking, social gatherings, or speed dating events. Doesn't matter what their initial impression is as you can change their later impression.
They literally wrote "cold approach," so no, this does imply approaching strangers in random situations.
> That can be said for anything. The point is to make them contribute and prevent a one-sided conversation.
It implies tying people in an unwanted conversation and then trying to leverage inevitable anxiety to get them to say something personal.
> That's why progression matters. You can also refrain from asking them directly, like for example: "let me guess, you're an arts student/interior designer"
Jesus christ, who talks like that.
> Most people respond friendly. If they are part of the contrary, move on.
I too respond friendly to potential axe murderers. Angry axe murderers are more likely to axe murder you.
Seriously, though, there are _multiple_ red lights for abusive and exploitative behaviour in that advice. Yes, it _will_ work, abusive behaviour often works. But also, if you ever meet someone like that - or if you try it on someone with life experience that taught them _both_ what abuse and respect look like, they'll most likely smile, say something safe, and then leave to warn others about you.
> They literally wrote "cold approach," so no, this does imply approaching strangers in random situations.
You make conversations with strangers all the time. The taxi driver, while waiting at a long queue, a friend brings over a new face, someone on the street shows you interest (they smile first, greet, etc), you see a familiar face out there and you check out if they're showing interest such as a longer eye contact and then you go "Hey we go to the same gym, how's X? blah blah. Oh really? By the way I'm Brad"
> It implies tying people in an unwanted conversation and then trying to leverage inevitable anxiety to get them to say something personal.
Jeez, as long as you're not being a creep it's just friendly banter. There'll of course be people like you who think the world is after them so just have the decency to get out and leave them be.
> Jesus christ, who talks like that.
I'm sure you do it one way or another. Light-hearted teasing and joking: "is that code I see? i'm betting you're a CS student." Heck that's actually how I got my last job referral, sat next to a dude and noticed that he's reading notes that has a diagram of a (segment) tree. Turns out that he's got a position at a company's R&D lab and at that time was prepping for a competition at codeforces. He invited me to his company and we're friends to this day.
> I sure would.
You can't satisfy everyone. Just don't be a creep and pick up on social cues.
Okay, this is a narrative that is occurring in your head, but it's not occurring in everyone's head, and if you happen to talk to someone who has this narrative occurring in their head, who cares? You're not going to please everyone.
You're not going to befriend everyone you talk to, but you're not going to befriend anyone you don't talk to.
> Okay, this is a narrative that is occurring in your head, but it's not occurring in everyone's head,
Oh, for sure, I'm not saying this approach won't work for you. I'm saying that if you're using that approach you're being using strategies designed mostly by abusers, that are inherently abusive (now, whether you are an abuser depends on whether you realise that and whether you stick to it after realising that), and that you _shouldn't do that_.
> You're not going to befriend everyone you talk to, but you're not going to befriend anyone you don't talk to.
I don't have to try and befriend everyone I meet. There are social contexts specifically designed for making new friendships, and quite helpfully they usually also provide a framework for approaching new people. And between meetup.com, OkCupid, interest-specific subreddits, Discords and Twitter, it's easier than ever to find should spaces that are tailored to however specific your social needs are. There's zero excuse for cold approach.
It sounds like you have a history of abuse. I am so sorry and hope you're able to get the help you need. As I'm sure you know, not everyone trying to socialize is out to get you. Not everyone has the same social needs as you. But I can see how difficult that could be if you've been a victim of abuse. I think it's good to note that not everyone has the same hang ups as you do, and many people do actually enjoy meeting people and making acquaintances outside of specifically designated social events.
> As I'm sure you know, not everyone trying to socialize is out to get you
No, I mean, it might be hard to imagine to a person who believes into might makes right as strong as you apparently do, but a couple of tiny restrictions actually makes it _easier_ to make friends.
And, y'know, no, I don't have much of history of abusive. I knew a few abusive people, but they mostly focused on others. Another thing that might be hard to imagine for you, I suppose.
I'm not sure what you mean here, can you explain? What did I say that makes you think this?
I actually am a victim of abuse. It took me a long time to understand that strangers who talk to me aren't trying to hurt me. It really took a lot of work, and still takes a lot of work.
I enjoy making friends almost anywhere, unless I'm on a date. Life is boring and meaningless without human connection and community. I believe your mindset is in the minority, and I suggest you find a therapist to work on why you think all strangers are abusers.
Well, one thing is just a mindset thing: as long as you go in with kind intentions, there's almost no way anything can go wrong. Maybe the person you talk to will be bored or uninterested, but that is a good thing because a) you've chipped away at your social anxiety a little, and b) you can check them off your mental list of potential friends/contacts/whatever.
As for tactics: just ask questions. Everybody likes to talk about themselves. Eventually, you'll get good at finding out what interesting things people have going on in their lives (most people have something).
I like this answer because it starts with finding a setting that the other strangers chose likely to meet some strangers, instead of finding ways to lock some random person in a conversation. It's the first sign of basic respect that can, in my eye, excuse _a lot_ of awkwardness.
I'd actually encourage people to not use this crutch. It certainly helps with your own anxiety, but it also prevents you from reading social cues and learning from your mistakes.
The difference between confidence and arrogance is that confidence is rational belief in oneself, while arrogance is irrational belief in oneself. People think alcohol gives them confidence, but it might just be giving them arrogance.
Practice makes perfect. Have you tried going to things on meetup? It's sort of expected to meet strangers on there so it's a great environment to meet new people.
