> Setting expectations low, and then making them feel foolish for misjudging you.
It's a risky game. People tend to make their first impressions within seconds, and then spend the rest of the time looking for evidence to validate that assumption.
Not really. As a shy person, I've been playing it my whole life. For some reason, people meet me and assume... I dunno, that I'm just someone who can be swept aside. I let them believe that.
But I'm a lot more capable than people give me credit for being, and I'll be honest, a part of me enjoys it when that realization starts to set in.
It's not really a machiavellian ploy on my part to optimize some kind of social outcome, just a pattern I've settled into. It's fine for most aspects of my life. Good for poker games with strangers. Bad for first dates and FAANG-style job interviews, where I excessively downplay my abilities.
However, I think generally in life you shouldn't try to "be" anything except healthier and kinder. You were given a role in life, and it is up to you to play it to your best ability. I'm paraphrasing Kurt Vonnegut, I think, when I say be careful who you pretend to be -- because that might be the person you become.
Consciously playing social games is foolish. What you really want in life is inside of you. Strive to be better, not to find artificial ways to dominate others.
You may be interested in this article then:
http://www.thedistilledman.com/how-introverted-men-attract-w...
(How an introverted man can attract women naturally). I found it interesting but haven't tried it in practice yet. The article argues 99% of dating advice on the net is written for extroverts and people who want to be like extroverts.
Thanks for sharing. If you enjoyed this, you will probably also enjoy Models by Mark Manson. I’m only 1/3 of the way through, but the topic of focusing on your strengths rather than changing yourself is a theme throughout the book.
I'm always sceptical of the artificial/natural distinction. Everything is artificial. Everything feels natural eventually. It feels more like learning one way to be, but then deciding not to learn more.
I think it's fine to be happy, but it's fine to have goals, and then change to better accomplish those goals. To pretend to be someone who you truly would rather be. It's not like the old you disappears when this happens... you just grow more nuanced.
I'm not distinguishing artificial vs. natural -- I'm distinguishing conscious vs. subconscious. You should be careful about what you consciously try to be, and make sure if you go through the hard work of changing your personality, the changes are unambiguously positive. Your subconscious, your identity, and the cultural beliefs society has loaded you up with may be wiser than you think.
(There are lots of positive changes that you should consciously strive towards -- being more focused, more in control, kinder, less neurotic, etc. etc.)
If you tinker with your personality to gain more of what you think you want -- wealth, status, etc. -- it can bring you farther away from what you really want out of life, and it can be hard to undo your changes. Few of us in society today are actually in touch with what we want at the deepest level of our soul.
So when you try to "be" something new, make sure it's not conflicting with what your soul actually wants. That sounds hippie dippie as hell, but I think it's actually very real and it's a big problem, especially in fast paced, modern society.
As someone who is also sometimes underestimated, I sympathize with your situation.
Good on you though for being self-aware and perceptive enough to realize it is they who have the incorrect view and having the patience to let that view correct itself over time. Turning it to your advantage and taking joy in watching that correction take place is doubly good.
Most people in your position just assume, “people don’t think highly of me on first impression, and they must be right”
Right, but -- if for example -- you're trying to raise VC money, you only need a couple of yeses.
There's definitely enough people that love to have their mind changed, that you could play specifically to this crowd, and do very well.
It would be dangerous if you needed a 50% nod of approval. But not so much if all you need is one yes. It's probably beneficial to optimize yourself for a small niche.
Thats why its met with "varied success" I think, because impressions at the end will be polarized. The wins are from when he successfully breaks the first-impression barrier. If you are able to convert their impression of you then you are at a significant advantage because they are now fully disarmed.
It's a risky game. People tend to make their first impressions within seconds, and then spend the rest of the time looking for evidence to validate that assumption.