It did come across as a casual observation, though. The essay is structured as if the entire thing flowed from a single observation of a few people at Starbucks. And the observation is subjective and vague; you just say their demeanor seems different.
I believed you because I know what you're talking about. However, for a skeptic, it leaves the door wide open for them to say that you're just seeing what you want to see. Also, you come across as someone who thinks his five-minute subjective impression gives him the right to dismiss other people's life choices. They feel justified in writing you off as arrogant.
So, a couple of suggestions:
1) If you're going to present an argument from subjective observation, the example has to be very vivid, almost like a novel. The reader has to be compelled to your conclusion by feeling like they are observing things right along with you. Specific details are important. These corporate programmers -- did they wait glumly and patiently in line, or were they eager with anticipation to get back to what they were doing? Did they mumble to the barista while looking away, or speak forthrightly, making eye contact?
2) Rhetoric becomes great when you point out the invisible monsters in the room, and tame them. When you talk about startups to people who are not in startups but could be, these monsters are envy and self-doubt. You have to deal with the fact that your audience sees other people growing rich or at least having fun, and is plagued with self-doubt about whether they are chickenshits. Given a chance they'll project their self-doubt onto you, the person who raises the question. There are various strategies to prevent this from happening, but i-could-be-wrong is not one of them. The main one is to get people to identify with you before you move into more challenging territory. It does require more space to accomplish this, but it's far from filler, it's essential.
I believed you because I know what you're talking about. However, for a skeptic, it leaves the door wide open for them to say that you're just seeing what you want to see. Also, you come across as someone who thinks his five-minute subjective impression gives him the right to dismiss other people's life choices. They feel justified in writing you off as arrogant.
So, a couple of suggestions:
1) If you're going to present an argument from subjective observation, the example has to be very vivid, almost like a novel. The reader has to be compelled to your conclusion by feeling like they are observing things right along with you. Specific details are important. These corporate programmers -- did they wait glumly and patiently in line, or were they eager with anticipation to get back to what they were doing? Did they mumble to the barista while looking away, or speak forthrightly, making eye contact?
2) Rhetoric becomes great when you point out the invisible monsters in the room, and tame them. When you talk about startups to people who are not in startups but could be, these monsters are envy and self-doubt. You have to deal with the fact that your audience sees other people growing rich or at least having fun, and is plagued with self-doubt about whether they are chickenshits. Given a chance they'll project their self-doubt onto you, the person who raises the question. There are various strategies to prevent this from happening, but i-could-be-wrong is not one of them. The main one is to get people to identify with you before you move into more challenging territory. It does require more space to accomplish this, but it's far from filler, it's essential.