Go to a doctor and let them describe you something for depression. Worked for me.

Be open about your problems and don't be ashamed. Most people feel the way you do. I never lie to people about my mental issues - not even at work. Guess what? 95% of the people I worked with (all other programmers) were on some kind of meds, too - for depression, social anxiety, ADHD etc.. Feels so much better just being open about it and crack a joke here and there. "Let's just all put down work, go to the beach and cry!" "I'm in. I'll bring beer." "Oh, I wish I could!" [I remember that conversation happening on Slack once]

I don't know! Sitting home alone, pitying yourself and being upset about society never really changes anything. ;)

Happily for me, I don't have depression (at least, I think I don't).

But when I was a kid, the school begged my parents many times to take me to some kind of doctor, and this only offended my parents, that always refused, the exception is that they once too me to see if I was deaf or not.

After I reached adulthood, and flunked hard at life in general, that I went to seek medical help.

The results were:

1) the first few medics I went, believed I was a junkie wanting fake prescription, I have no idea why (I never used any illegal substance, never had used controlled meds before, and never got drunk, and never smoked).

2) My parents had a few nasty fights with me, claiming that I was normal and only doing what I was doing to hurt them or something.

3) As I went learning about my conditions, and started to be open about it, people instead started to interpret that I wanted pity and attention, or that I was humblebragging, and had invariably negative reactions.

4) Eventually I found a good medic, that prescribed me Ritalin, it is helping a little, but very little.

Among my issues is that I never learned how to work "hard", I only work in bursts, and only when I am interested or close to a deadline, school was extremely easy to me, I don't even know my teacher faces of the last school years because I just slept in the classes (and still aced the tests), I never learned to sit down quiet and study, this is now biting me in the ass (I don't had Calculus classes on university, and now that I need it I am trying to learn by myself, but I keep getting distracted...)

I never learned hwo to pretend that I am working, like people do in their workplaces, even when I was the highest performing person in the workplace I still got fired because I was not "serious" or I wasn't "wearing the company shirt", because while all my co-workers just sat staring at their code 8 hours, I coded all that I had to code in 1 hour and then spent the rest goofing around on youtube and reddit.

When I DO want to code 8 hours, I still end goofing around too easily (example: Xcode crashes... while I wait for it to launch I decide to read e-mail, one e-mail has a link to wikipedia... and here we go wasting 4 hours reading wikipedia).

Plus lots of other issues irrelevant to work performance (like needing stuff cut-off from t-shirts, moving all the time to the point of losing a girlfriend over it, puking when eating certain foods, inability to communicate with "normal" people, because no matter what phrase I construct, it keeps getting way over their heads, and the list goooooes on).

The best I found I can do is rant on internet sometimes.

And keep taking Ritalin properly, and going to the psychologist... still very slow progress, I am 28, live with my parents, have no girlfriend, I am unemployed, and don't own any property (but have debts, my total net worth is negative).

Have to admit that this sounds a lot like myself. I actually dropped out of uni 4 times or so, because I just couldn't deal with having to sit in class focus or hand in homework in time. I was still interested in the subject and _wanted_ to learn, but this wasn't the way for me.

I could go on about my work experience - which was also similar to yours despite I let myself go - but when I start raging it's hard to stop and afterwards I often feel worse than before. ;)

I learnt that I get mostly motivated by projects I come up myself, so I try stick to my own stuff for a while to level up my skills. (I _need_ an outlet for all my creativity...) And try to connect with people who are also building interesting things (and aren't assholes) and from whom you can learn new things. DIY scene is pretty nice place to be in really.

I try not to focus so much on work and career for now, because to be honest - working at that last office left me a bit with a trauma and I came to realize that I only have one life and I don't want to have to waste it with doing something I hate or that makes me feel like s*. So no more offices for me at the moment.

About the meds and therapy - it is a slow process, yes. And I actually had to try seven or so different kinds of meds until I found the right one that helped. It still makes me feel a bit weird and dull (sometimes annoying), but so much better than before...

I'm also 28, unemployed, in debt. But meh, still could be worse.

About twice a week I wish I was dumber for some reason or another.

Yes, ignorance is bliss. And "less intelligent" people can't help but be ignorant. I often envy their obliviousness.

Even if the whole group is wrong, they all agree with one another and fit in together. Those of us who understand have to choose to either be wrong to fit in or be right and be cast out. Either choice is painful.

Eh. I used to do that until my 30's or so. Now I just want those damn kids off my lawn. ;)