Thank you. I'm a gay man & I'm sick of being told that the most fulfilling and meaningful thing I'll ever do in life is have children; which I cannot do nor do I want to.

Really, our planet could do with fewer people. If people want something fulfilling, they should do whatever makes them happy. That's what fulfilment and contentment is.

My wife and I got married later in life, and we do not have kids, nor will we ever have kids.

I don't regret it. I think I would have been a horrible dad. Only now, as I am in my 50s, do I feel like I might become a person who could have been a good dad, if I had known then what I know now.

So, my kids who were never born, and society at large, are probably better off that my wife and I have never had kids.

Hell, given what's happening in the world today, I think maybe my non-existent kids may also be better off never having been born.

The language you use is a bit unclear.

Your kid is a nightmare?

Your kid is challenging?

Your relationship with your wife has been wonderful before and after what? The birth?

I am in a challenging marriage. I have young kids. My kids are wonderful. I am trying to work things out with my wife for my children's sake. I would be careful with the language you use to frame the problems in your life. How you describe your problems may influence what you see as the solutions.

Are you sure it's a problem with your child? Maybe it is a problem with you and your relationships?

Anyways, good choice being in therapy. A competent therapist will help you unravel your problems better than some asshole on hn (that's me).

I'll try to keep this from becoming a therapy session to the best of my ability. I don't have all the answers yet ;)

> Your kid is a nightmare? Your kid is challenging?

This is hard to explain without a larger conversation, but I think one of the primary issues for us is the huge commitment a child can be. We are in a very rural community (close to nil childcare available), very little family support, and both work full-time (luckily from home).

Deciding to have a child can be a complex decision, and it seemed like a good idea at the time based on the information we had. Close friends in very similar situations have been successful and happy. There are also a small minority of friends that have similar feelings to us.

> Your relationship with your wife has been wonderful before and after what? The birth?

Correct.

> Are you sure it's a problem with your child? Maybe it is a problem with you and your relationships?

I believe the root issue here is a conflict between what we want out of life and the realities young children bring. The things that "fill us up" are generally unsafe for young children (eg. mountaineering in the dead of winter at high altitude).

I'm not looking for criticism (unless it's constructive), because the decision has been made. We're doing the best we can and trying to find new techniques/outside help; we're trying our best given what we have. (it's worth noting that I didn't take the parent comment negatively)

> Anyways, good choice being in therapy. A competent therapist will help you unravel your problems better than some asshole on hn (that's me).

I agree, and I've posted the unfiltered version here. It has helped me mentally reframe our situation in a more positive light, but it's still a journey. Hopefully insight into our specific situation can help someone else along the way.

*edit:

>I am in a challenging marriage. I have young kids. My kids are wonderful. I am trying to work things out with my wife for my children's sake. I would be careful with the language you use to frame the problems in your life. How you describe your problems may influence what you see as the solutions.

This is good advice, and I don't see my child as "the problem" so much as the general situation. The struggle now is recalibrating my world view.

I wish you the very best. Let’s set a timer for ten years and come back to this thread. I am curious what form our journeys will take and hope this is represented the low point of what is to be a great climb up.

That sounds great, and I hope it's a long climb up as well :) I wish you the best with your marriage.

Apologies to anyone reading for being so negative. I know I'm in a tough spot, and it's hard to see out right now.